Down goes number four. I was left tonight, as my child was too much to handle. The mother of my child was too much to handle as well; allow me to clarify.

There came a point where I saw no reason for animosity between my son's mother and I. Somehow I just didn't have it in me to hate the woman; After all, I did love her at one point. Something tells me that I still do, which consequently might have provoked subliminal gestures whose aim was to push the new one away. I am realizing this now, as hindsight is 20/20, so the old saying goes.

I may have been a bit too premature in embarking on a new romantic endeavor, but I know I wouldn't have been able to move past the sting of separation sentenced to me by my son's mother lest I preoccupied myself with someone else. This is something rather primal, I believe- either primal or galvanized by some disturbing experience during my formative years. Either way, I could not accept the virtual disintegration of my family, the rejection from my son's mother, and the subtly compelling sense of failure brought on by the culmination of our relationship. So, as to ease the pain (READ: DISTRACT ME), I jumped from the skillet to the frying pan, so to speak. I placed myself into an entirely new relationship, one which had no nuances of the past. This has been my nature for quite some time, as I indicated earlier, when faced with rejection or failure. If red betrays me, then I shall love green- no matter how deep the love I had for red may have been, she rejected/failed me, and so I must counter the rejection/failure with an superficially undying passion for green. Rather silly, indeed.

Anyhow, in this new relationship I sought out all that was lacking in the prior one, hoping to somehow fill the void left by my son's mother's departure. At first this seemed obtainable; After the glitz and glamour had lost its charm, after the smoke had cleared, all what was left was something rather disappointing. I was still in love with red- far too wrapped up in what red was that I was not even open to what green had to offer. Quite frankly, I had little concern for what green was packing, lest it was reminiscent of the exceptional qualities that carved the letters R-E-D into the bark of my heart's proverbial elm tree. Green was not red, no matter how hard I tried to make it be so.

I just lost all ability to formulate a cogent paragraph. Deeply sad at the moment...